Between Science and Fiction

Sun, 08 Dec 2019 02:39:39 GMT

It's been a long time since I've posted here. So much has changed in my life, while some things stay the same. I suppose December is a good time to reflect on things a bit.

Things I've accomplished this year:
1. Completed my master's degree.
2. Got a new job within my organization, where I am more appreciated and less stressed.
3. Finished the first draft of my Nano project; not 50k, but this is the first time I've ever completed an original manuscript of any substantial length (~33k), in 10 years of doing Nano.

There are lots of other little things. I attended my first ever con, which also included presenting a panel. I went to England, Scotland, and France with friends. I auditioned for a new ren fair in the area, and was offered one of the main roles. I've kept in touch with former coworkers I was sad to be parting ways with. I attended my school's bicentennial celebration. With less than six months in my new role, I was able to confidently present in front of ~200+ people about my hardware.

I'm still working on some things. Diet and exercise; I was doing well with going to barre class regularly, and then from about the end of August through this past week, I think I only managed to go once. I was traveling for work a bunch, and personal travel, and then it was show run, and then Nano. Things are finally starting to quiet down, which is nice.

One of the things that I think I'm finally noticing a difference in is with my ADHD. I talked to my psychiatrist at the beginning of the year about it, and got started on medicine--a non-addictive, non-amphetamine based medicine (atomoxetine). Where I feel I finally noticed it the most was during Nano. I didn't write every day, but some days I just had other things going on. But when I did actually sit down to write, I stayed focused better and was more productive overall. So I think this has been a positive change.

I've been trying, over the last several years, to be the best person that I am capable of being. It has involved a lot of self reflection, and a lot of difficult conversations, and a lot of apologies as I recognize negative behaviors in myself and try to correct them. I know I can be abrasive and sometimes slip into one-up-manship and I say hurtful things that I shouldn't. Some days it's easier than others. But this is part of being an adult, of being someone that people want to have in their lives.

I don't know what the next year is going to hold. More work travel, more personal travel. The ren fair. Now that I'm finished with my master's, I'd like to try to get back to some of my hobbies that I've neglected, like writing. So for now, that's the plan.

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Fri, 08 Jun 2018 03:01:04 GMT

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how I got here. How none of this is anything I could have possibly imagined 15 years ago when graduating high school, or 10 years ago when graduating college. I suppose I never really had many dreams for the future. Some of that, I think, was the crippling depression I lived with for years. My goals were to make it through the next day, the next week, the next month. How could I think about five years, ten years, twenty years into the future? I still struggle with the idea, but I feel more settled now, I have more of an idea of what I'd like to keep doing and start doing in the future. But it doesn't always wash away the sense of surrealism that occasionally hits me.

Things like:

1. I am the company expert in my position. There is literally no one else within the entire company of thousands and thousands of people who has the expertise on my hardware and the processes for dealing with it. I have people from other groups calling me for advice on how to deal with it, and often times I'm making things up as I go along.

1a. This occasionally gets me a lot of visibility from people Much Higher Up. I have frequently had phone calls and email conversations with chief engineers, program leads, vice presidents (both within my company and with other companies), and various other people that the Minions don't usually interface with on a regular basis. Tomorrow I'll be giving a presentation for several program leads on a hardware issue we've been having, which means I pretty much need to know all of the details of what's going on with it.

2. It was weird during my first job when I started traveling, especially internationally, as the technical lead on programs. It's still weird now, but it's also more expected. I'm currently hoping to get on the short list to present at the customer conference in Prague this fall.

3. I made an offhand comment/joke to my boss about taking on a lead position next year when I know it will open up. He got a Look on his face, which means that, even though he laughed, I know he was also seriously considering the idea. It's something I can actually see myself doing, as a way to "climb the ladder". I have never really had any ambitions like this before. And while I enjoy what I currently do, and the people that I work with, I can now see myself moving up and doing more. And the master's degree I'm working on would support this.

4. I am on the board of directors for a community theater group. Sometimes I forget this. In the sense that, I know I'm the technical director. I know that I attend board meetings and I make decisions and I have a position of relative power within the group. But most people, especially those my age, cannot say that they are on the board of directors for a non-profit organization, even a relatively small one.

4a. I really need to add this to my resume. And being the technical director is basically being a project manager. Just without the annoying schedule bits that I hate. Or rather, having to track a project plan in any formal way. Things get done. They get done "ahead of schedule", in which "schedule" means "everything is ready to go when we move in and build the set".

I guess it's just weird. I'm in my 30s. I've been out of college for 10 years. I'm working a job that I love doing, with people who make me laugh every day. I see an actual career in front of me. I've established roots in the community, and have a solid circle of friends. Thinking back to where I was when I was 18, this is everything I could have ever hoped for and more than I could have ever imagined.

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Fri, 16 Mar 2018 14:22:50 GMT

Grades were posted. 92. GPA now standing at 3.8, with 5/12 classes completed. (Well, 11 classes, 1 capstone). Next class starts on Monday, so I get a nice week off and a weekend of relaxation (including my monthly massage). Then we kick off International Aviation Policy. I'm anticipating lots of conversations about bilateral agreements between regulatory agencies.

Yesterday when I stepped on the scale, I had finally hit my first weight goal of 220. 15 lbs since the beginning of the year, yay! So I've set my next goal, for 210.

I also tried on some old clothes last night and fit into several things I hadn't been able to, even in December. And several things that I hadn't been able to fit into in quite a while, like the awesome denim mini skirt. So I was very happy with that. (The skirt is still a little tight in the creates-a-muffin-top sense, but it fits otherwise.)

We're still in good shape for set build. Of course, they broke the bed at rehearsal last night, so Justin and I will have to build a new frame for it. I've got a couple of ideas that he'll probably be good with, so not really any worries there. Just an annoyance, really. Plus the heat wasn't working last night, so Justin and I will need to troubleshoot that some more. Good times.

Anyway. That's all for today, I guess.

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Fri, 09 Mar 2018 14:22:57 GMT

Pro: I had to retire another pair of jeans this morning as being Too Big.
Con: I don't quite fit in the next size down yet.

I will go to Savers today and see if I can find a decent pair of jeans that fit well. I am being optimistic about needing another new, smaller pair within a year. Once it gets warmer out, I'd like to get out running again. I'm hovering at just a bit more than 10 pounds lost and several inches throughout my body, so if I can just keep it up, I should be doing pretty good by September.

What's September, you may ask? My 10 year college reunion. Because fuck, I'm getting old.

So I'd like to lose at least most of the weight I've put on since college. Which, honestly by senior year, this is about where I was. So anything after this is sort of "bonus" weight that will bring me down to where I was during college. We'll see where I am by then, though.

I'd also like to be down at least 5 more pounds by vacation in May. That would be nice....

Anyway, work to do.

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Fri, 02 Mar 2018 13:40:05 GMT

Oh my gods I feel so much better today.

I had the conversation yesterday with my managers about how overwhelmed I've been with this new job assignment thing, and how unhappy it's been making me. The final result being I will no longer be doing the aftermarket thing and just sticking to my usual duties. The conversation went a little like this:

Boss: But it's just your normal CTS work.
Me: But it's not, because my normal CTS work is nacelles, and this is Externals.
Boss: Hmm. I suppose I've let Wes off the hook for the aftermarket stuff.
Me: *mentally* You fucking think?
Boss: Okay, I'll make him do it.
Me: *mentally* Thank fucking god, yes, please make Wes do his own goddamn job so I can do mine.
*out loud* Thank you. This is much better.

Yesterday was not really a great day. I spent half the day crying, which I hate doing at work and even moreso in front of my managers. The final straw that broke the camel's back was finding out what happened at the theater meeting I skipped on Wednesday night because I was exhausted and felt like shit.

Apparently the meeting ran over three hours long, and was a giant shit show, and the end result is that we're doing Little Shop of Horrors in the fall, which I just... can't deal with. I honestly do not think we can produce it with our venue, and the only reason we may manage to be able to cast it is because Opera House isn't doing a fall show. It's a technically challenging show, with the puppets and scene changes, we don't have any available height and barely any wing space. I've already told Justin I can't tech direct for it. I am so burned out right now it's not even funny. I just hope we can find someone else to do it.

But today is a new day. No more stress eating. Significantly less stress, so now I can focus on my regular work which has been getting woefully neglected as of late. And put more energy towards our spring production and all of the things I need to do for that.

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Wed, 28 Feb 2018 14:39:20 GMT

This new job thing continues to suck. I am still doing my old job, which of course is getting busier, and I'm so tired of hearing people tell me that I'm no longer in CTS. Also, I'm sitting in the new building today, with the Other Group. This is what I've decided to call them, which is... not very good for the whole integration thing, but I don't want to be part of the Other Group, I didn't ask for this job change, and it's actually causing me a great deal of anxiety because my regular group is being neglected.

I'm frustrated. I feel like I have better things to be doing than this aftermarket thing. Not that this aftermarket thing isn't important, but it somehow feels less important than the other things I should be doing. Or shouldn't be doing, because I'm supposed to be doing this aftermarket thing full time. But this hardware area doesn't exactly require full time attention, and frankly, I don't see this position lasting that long.

I don't know how to get out of this. It's pretty much just been assumed that we're all going to go with the flow, that we should be thrilled to take these new jobs--with no additional benefits or compensation of any kind--and an implication that we want this new role to fail if we don't want to be the one doing it or that there is something somehow wrong with us for not wanting it.

Unfortunately, there isn't really anyone else to do this job either. So here I am, stuck between two jobs that need doing, that there's no one else to do, feeling guilty and shitty because I Don't Want This and not even knowing who to tell this to.

My normal work is stressful and crazy and can result in 3 AM phone calls, and I don't really want to stay there forever, but I kind of wanted another year or so there, maybe to finish my master's before looking for a leadership role. And I know there are some leadership roles that will be coming within my group. I like the team, I like the people I work with, I like the kind of work I do. I don't like change. I especially don't like when change is forced on me.

I don't know any more.

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Sat, 03 Feb 2018 01:41:38 GMT

I'm tired and I have too much shit going on and I'm at the point where if I stop and let myself think about how much I have, I'm going to start crying. Like....

Work roles:
1. PW1500 nacelle hardware engineer*
2. PW1900 nacelle hardware engineer*
3. PW1200 nacelle hardware engineer*
4. Externals Aftermarket Leader
5. Aftermarket CTS Externals member

*For other people in my group, being the hardware engineer for three programs isn't a big deal, because their hardware is the same, or mostly the same. My hardware has some commonalities but more often than not there are differences, if even just in terminology. And a lot of my job is just coordinating work that other teams do, but I am the central point that everything flows through. And literally, some of the processes currently boil down to "call her and she'll get it where it needs to go". I'm working on trying to change that, but right now a) there isn't anyone else, and b) the process isn't quite robust enough.

The hardware engineer work, or my "normal" job, is a lot of firefighting. Something happens in the field, it needs to be dealt with Right Now. Some of it is "standard" work--supporting engineering changes, reviewing service bulletins, supporting repair manuals--and some days there isn't that much to do. But it's one of those things that can go from zero to a million in about ten seconds flat. And it's only going to get worse as more customers come online and the second engine program comes online. It's a whole separate set of contacts and a whole different set of rules. And the Japanese want to seriously start gearing up even though it's more than two years before they plan on going into service.

And then there's this aftermarket cluster fuck, which has no direction and no funding and yet we're already getting lectured that in the three weeks we've known about this, we haven't shown any improvements yet. Yeah.

So as it stands, this is the breakdown of my current work roles:

1. 50% of my time
2. 30% of my time
3. 25% of my time
4. 100% of my time (according to the higher ups; more realistically, about 30%)
5. 50% of my time

Do you see the problem here? Even in my current role, I was over 100%. The CTS aftermarket stuff, I've been helping to support for the last year already. That's why I've had to go to Georgia multiple times. So for the last year or so, I've been at ~150% capacity.

Now I'm being told I have a new full time job. One that I didn't ask for or volunteer for, one that I didn't know about until it was literally dropped in our laps and we were told to run with it. With no funding, no resources, and no clear definition of what we're supposed to be doing. And when it has been brought up in every single one of the three-times-a-week meetings for the last month that we can't drop our normal jobs because there is literally no one else to do the work, the higher ups gasp and moan about how we're sabotaging this new project.

Again, I'm in a weird ass position. Everyone else, their normal hardware is also their aftermarket hardware. There's a lot of overlap in the work and the emergent issues. I was backup on Externals, and honestly I've done most of the aftermarket work on Externals for the last two years anyway, but in addition to having to manage three different nacelles, I now have to keep another hardware section in check. One that happens to have, oh, something like, 4,000 components (without getting down to nuts and bolts).

At least my boss wasn't mad when I told him I mouthed off at a VP this morning...

And then of course there's theater stuff.

Production roles:
1. Technical director (which includes being in charge of set construction)
2. Cast member (possibly combining two roles)
3. Props
4. Lights and sound design

Non-production roles:
1. Bylaws/job descriptions committee
2. Technical director (in this case means taking inventory of everything we own)
3. Organizing the open house

I'm just glad it's not November, because then I might really start crying right now, with Nano responsibilities on top of all of that.

Oh, and of course, I'm in grad school. As if I didn't have enough other things going on.

I'm tired. I was meant to be writing tonight. At the very least, doing homework. I think instead I'm going to go run to the grocery store.

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Fri, 19 Jan 2018 18:46:32 GMT

I'm working on mini-goals this year. Breaking things down into smaller monthly and weekly goals, that sort of thing. It's... going okay, for some things. I've been shitty about staying on top of writing, for example.

But one of my goals for January was to lose 10 lbs. Just take it a little at a time, you know? And my approach is mostly going to barre class once a week, trying to walk during lunch every day, and being more conscious of what I'm eating (which also means bringing lunch). As of yesterday morning, I am down five pounds.

I have also lost a couple inches off of various areas. I am quite pleased by all of this, which helps when I start getting discouraged by what feels like a monumental task. I am also noticeably improving during barre class--I've moved up to the 2 lb weights from the 1 lb. I can also make it through most of the workout now without having to stop. This is quite a big deal, in my opinion.

Yeah. Anyway. I continue to be busy with a million different things.

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Fri, 12 Jan 2018 20:18:40 GMT

I just very bluntly told my boss that I want a raise.

This aftermarket position is sounding more permanent. And right now they've got most of us pulling double duty, as the team leader and as part of the team. Plus my regular job. They're milking us for all we're worth, and frankly, I'm worth more.

And if they want to put me in a strategic leadership position, they're damn well going to pay me for it.

My boss laughed when I said it. I didn't. I told him I was dead serious. I explained to him why. And it's not just me, it's the three other guys in my group in the same position. Pay us for the work you're asking us to do. You want to call us deputies? Pay us for it.

He told me that during initial conversations, he was told there wouldn't be promotions involved. I pointed out that a raise and a promotion are two separate things. But frankly, we should be getting the promotion too, if we stay in these roles permanently. That's a long term discussion, though.

See, initially, this was meant to be a three month trial period. But management is getting TONS of pressure from higher up, and the impression I and the other guys got from today's meeting was that this is not so much temporary any more. And you know what? That's not that bad. Now that I've had time to digest things, I'm actually really interested in this position. I literally spent my last class working towards what I thought would be the research proposal for my capstone project, but now it seems like it was the research proposal for my new job position. It's interesting. It's strategic. And it wouldn't be 24/7 on call.

This is frankly where I wanted to be heading with my career. My only concern right now is that there's no one to backfill my current role. There's a lot of esoteric knowledge and knowing who to talk to involved in my job, and there's also... a lot of upper management dislike of us owning my hardware and thinking it's a waste of time and a mess to deal with. So I'm worried about it falling through the cracks and higher ups using it as an "I told you so". We've got a good system in place, we just need to solidify it.

Which, well, again, part of my current job. I got Microsoft Project installed, now I'm just waiting for final approval on Visio, which makes it sooooooooooooo much easier to create the flowcharts I need to create to document my current role.

I will do this aftermarket thing. I will own this aftermarket thing. But you had damn well better pay me for it, and I think my givadam just busted in regards to subtle hints and careful requests.

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Fri, 05 Jan 2018 15:18:33 GMT

I don't do well with change. This is a thing I know about myself. I have many routines that I have built into my life, and it's very stressful and mentally exhausting to have to readjust all of these things. It's not so bad, when I know change is coming and I can prepare for it. Still stressful, but I'm prepared.

What I don't like and have a hard time dealing with is when I come into work after the holiday break to be told that I have been volunteered for a new job. Not just a new task, but a new job. A heavily project-management oriented leadership position dealing with aftermarket work. Which, also, is not clearly defined, because this set of jobs literally just got made up and there's a group of us who are the test program for it and over the next three months we'll be figuring it out from scratch and writing the book on it. Which means so far we've all been sitting here going "what are we supposed to be doing?"

It's a great opportunity. If I stick with it, it's likely a promotion opportunity. Definitely an opportunity for a raise, if nothing else. But it's a huge disruption from a job that I have really been enjoying for the last two years.

I'd be less upset if I had been asked, first. I'd be less upset if we hadn't literally been the last ones to find out about this, with other people on the team knowing for weeks, if not months, that this was in the works. I'd be less upset if I had a backup for my current workload, like I've wanted since at least October. But for the foreseeable future, I am basically going to be doing two and a half full time jobs. Because this new job is supposed to be full time! On top of my normal full time work, and half the workload I have for the guy who is supposed to be my backup.

We're supposed to be back-filling my position. But there's no one lined up, and my role in particular involves a lot of esoteric knowledge that no one else knows. A lot of it is about the connections I've made in the last two years with the people I interface with on a regular basis. There aren't process maps for what I do, because once again, this was all new territory. It's been on my to-do list to create these process maps. Spencer did some of them, which was a huge help, but he did it from the engineering perspective mostly, and I need to do it from the CTS perspective.

At least they aren't making me move my seat. I like where I sit, I like the people I sit with and near. In the long term I may have to move, but for now... yeah. At least if I did have to move, it would be to the new building. The cubes are smaller and it's more crowded, but it's got a full cafeteria, so six of one.

In non-work related news, I bought a snow blower during Black Friday sales. I'm so glad I did. It's battery powered, and I got a second battery (ridiculously on sale for everything). The charge lasted about half an hour or so, but got me through clearing my entire driveway. Considering the drifts were more than a foot deep in some places... yeah. Swapped out the batteries, and the second one got me through the walkway along the side of the house and the front walkway. It's not motorized, but it's light enough that pushing it isn't hard. And then I recharged the batteries last night (takes about half an hour to charge) so they'd be ready for this morning. It took me about ten minutes to get through the plow mess at the end of the driveway, and the snow blower did fantastic with that too. Took a couple of passes to get some of the heavier stuff, but considering it probably would have taken me closer to an hour to do it by hand? Yeah. Not to mention how physically demanding it is to shovel. So, all in all, money well spent. Especially considering the awesome sale and the gift card I had from work, which means I mostly only payed for the spare battery.

And I guess that's all for now... Next class starts on Monday, so expect whining about that soon, but otherwise.... Yep. That's all I got.

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Fri, 15 Dec 2017 14:25:33 GMT

Fiiinnnally caught up on homework, which just leaves me with one last discussion post and the final research proposal. And then I have a month before my next class, because I deserve a break at the holidays. Next class is Aircraft Maintenance Management. I imagine we will be discussing MSG-3, MMEL, and that other acronym I can't remember right now. MRP. That one. So, you know, a substantial part of my normal job.

I've been doing a lot of stuff around the house lately. Rearranged the living room, excavated my desk. Threw out old meds, working on getting rid of old cosmetics. Still purging my closet, need to go after coats and shoes next. Of course, part of that process means things get moved to other parts of the house and then need to be cleaned up from there, but... a little bit at a time. I asked for several organizing things for Christmas as well, so that will be good, I think.

I need to get a tall bookshelf. I've got three short ones, two of which are excessively old and could do with going away completely. If I get rid of the wicker cabinet in the dining room, that frees up space for it as well. And I asked Sarah for a coat rack/shoe rack combination, which will be a good thing to have so I'm not always just tossing my coats on the couch when I walk in.

I did finally write out a scene list for the rest of the story from November. Looks like it will probably top out around 35k, which is what I expected when I started plotting it. I really don't think there's enough story in there to make it anything more than a novella. But these days that's not necessarily a bad thing? I don't know, the book market has changed so much in the last ten years with the advent of digital media. I just... really want to try and finish a manuscript for once.

Chug, chug, chug.

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Wed, 06 Dec 2017 21:42:33 GMT

So I didn't even come close to winning Nano, but that's fine. I kind of knew going in, when I didn't have a plot at all, that I wasn't going to win. I did come up with a really great story premise that I worked on and hope to continue working on. I don't think it will end up being novel length, but we'll see, if I ever manage to finish it.

November ended up being a bit crap all around. Unexpected work trip to kick off the month (which meant I missed the kick off party, boo), plus I was sick at the beginning of the month, so I was just sort of blah the entire time and didn't manage to get together the motivation for much of anything.

Though I did manage to clean my apartment enough to not feel bad when I had people over for Friendsgiving. I ended up rearranging my living room earlier this week, which is something I've wanted to do for a while. Of course, in the cleaning and rearranging, the mess more or less just shifted. Though I have been going through the spare bedroom and the sunroom and getting rid of garbage and old papers and whatnot. It's slow going, but I'm making progress.

Haven't been making as much progress on my homework. >.< I'm slowly catching up, but the final exam needs to be done this week too, so I need to block off two hours probably tomorrow night to sit down and work on it. I have an assignment from last week to finish tonight. I could have signed up for another class starting in December, but I decided to start my next class in the January term so I have a couple weeks off. I'll still fit in 5 classes next year, which will put me at 9 out of 12 completed, with the last one being the capstone project (which we're doing a lot of the pre-work for in my current Research Methods class). Chug chug chug.

Oh, I need to start working on a Russian accent for our spring show. And actually read the script so I'm prepared for our upcoming production meeting. I think Justin is not planning on acting in this show (unless Christine gets desperate), and he had mentioned possibly taking the lead on the set. So that will be nice for me if so.

Blah. My group is rotating through the help desk, and today is my day, and it is soooooooo boring and I still have another 45 minutes and I just want to go home. I mean, boring is good in this setting (it's like a 911 dispatch center, but for airplane parts), but that doesn't mean I'm handling it very well. And I need to remember to stop at CVS on the way home.

Blah.

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Wed, 25 Oct 2017 17:18:48 GMT

England and Ireland were fantastic. There's so much I didn't get to do. Though I was very foolish and goaded the leprechauns about kidnapping me and not letting me leave, so they went ahead and made sure I walked out Sunday morning to go to the airport only to find that my rental car had a boot on it (pay stub was face down on the dash board). Fortunately, they came and took it off relatively quickly, no fee, and off I went, but I'm sure King Brian had a good laugh at my expense.

Earnest has come to an end, which means I am currently without a show. I may audition for Suffield's Moon Over Buffalo, but I haven't decided entirely. We should be having auditions soon for our spring show. And now I'm already starting to look at tech stuff for it, hah....

And Nano starts next week. I still have no idea what I plan to write.

I've been slowly picking my way through my spare bedroom too. I think I've managed to get myself into a system that works for me--trashing stuff that's truly garbage, bagging stuff that can be donated, putting papers into a pile for recycling or shredding, and setting aside things that I want to keep or haven't decided what to do with yet. Like the mountain of Tiggers, or some of the collectibles stuff from high school. I'm making progress, even if it's slow.

Hmm, will need to look into Tradesy further for a couple of the gowns I have stashed away that I probably won't ever wear again. Seems like the best website for selling those. Most of my regular clothes I just donate, but a couple of those dresses were relatively expensive. The collectibles may go up on eBay depending on their condition. Some of the toys and games will probably go to the boys. Makes me feel less bad about getting rid of things that people gifted to me.

One step at a time. Keep moving forward.

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Thu, 05 Oct 2017 13:39:17 GMT

I find the Fitbit community to be frustrating sometimes. Mostly in the sense of how you get a ton of people who are boasting (deservedly) about fantastic results. Like, "I started walking 1 mile every day and have lost 5 lbs in a week!" And I'm sitting here feeling like I'm busting my ass and the scale isn't budging.

I know it's not all about weight. And muscle is denser than fat, so it weighs more and takes up less space. I've taken measurements too, and I've lost a couple of inches between my neck, waist, and hips, but it still seems... frustratingly slow. Glacial, even.

I've seen improvement in my running. Not fast, but at least increasing the length of my running intervals. I doubt I will ever be what could be considered a fast runner (even at my peak fitness in college, I only managed an 11 minute mile; with my walk/jog intervals I'm currently at a 17 minute mile). With my knee problems, it's a pretty big deal that I'm managing to run at all. And once it gets too cold to run outside, I'll start up barre class again.

Just... why does it seem like it's so much easier for everyone else to lose weight? I am just going to sit here and sulk for a while.

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Wed, 04 Oct 2017 12:25:50 GMT

Things I have been doing lately:

1. Opening weekend. No major fuck ups, except where I almost missed my chair while sitting down. Managed to recover more or less gracefully. We got a standing ovation Friday night. Saturday night's crowd was small, but enthusiastic.

2. Running. Oh gods why am I doing this again? I downloaded a Couch to 5K app a while back and actually started using it a few weeks ago (I have finished through week 3). I'm not going for speed, just trying to build up some amount of endurance first. And not kill my knees. So far I'm still managing more or less okay. I'm going to try and keep up with the running until it gets too cold out, and then probably transition back to barre class.

3. Fall cleaning. Trying to get my shit together around the house. Gave the bathroom a really good cleaning for the first time in months last night. Monday night I spent about an hour in the spare bedroom sorting through boxes. I think the thing that has really helped me finally get down to this is that I've set out a handful of categories: straight up trash, recycling, donate, and save. The donation one seems like it's a bit obvious, except that I usually only did that for clothes. But I'm trying to be better about things like "Oh, I got this silly toy ten years ago and it's literally never come out of its package because while it appeals to me it is essentially just junk that takes up space". Some of the things can be set aside to give to the boys, and the rest of it can get donated (or if I'm feeling particularly ambitious, maybe I can even consign some of it!)

Progress is slow in running and cleaning, but progress is still progress. One day at a time.

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Mon, 18 Sep 2017 15:16:26 GMT

Next week is hell week. The only set things we have left to do are to finish reupholstering the couches, hang the curtains, and put together the shrubbery. All of the big stuff is done. So I gave us yesterday off. This also means three rehearsals this week, two rehearsals next week, dress rehearsal, and opening night. Yikes! I'll be glad once the show goes up though, since we won't have rehearsals during the week any more, or at most we'll have a line reading one night during the week.

Had yet another busy weekend in regards to work. Minor issues getting blown out of proportion by higher ups once more. I'm really tired of it. And we're running a stupid simulation today. Ugh. At least one of my coworkers understands my frustrations with all this shit. Like, he definitely should be a staff engineer, but he's still a senior engineer. I've been pushing to get staff as well, because I'm pretty much doing the work of one. I've also been the unofficial assistant model manager for the Brazil program, but get none of the credit or recognition for it. Another coworker was supposed to get the title, but then he backed out.

I don't know. I just need my vacation already. And then it's Nano season and I'm not sure I have an idea. The one plot bunny niggling at me, I think is only a short story. But I've been circling it for a while now, like trying to figure out how to eat a really big sandwich. Where and how do I start? Not sure yet. Let me flip it over and turn it around a few more times.

Anyway, statistics class is almost done. It hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I feared it might be. Next up is research methods. I suspect that one will be a lot of writing.

Sigh. Meetings now. And simulation at some point soon. And just general annoyingness. Blech.

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Tue, 05 Sep 2017 14:40:59 GMT

Huh. September.

I was really disappointed that my lake plans got ruined, but I ended up having a nice weekend regardless. Did some set build on Friday, which turned out really well and puts us in a good place. Saturday night, Rachel and I got sushi and then dessert, and then went to Starbucks where she wrote and I did homework. And then yesterday we had a nice picnic in the park. Morgan was supposed to come, but she ended up not feeling well.

Of course, today is playing catch up from taking Friday off and not getting much regular work done last week because of emergent issues. I need to get back on track with keeping an up to date to-do list.

Also, need to enact Operation Yard Goat during lunch today. Which requires stopping at the craft store to get some blue and green ribbons to bedeck him before leaving him in Sarah's yard. I am amused by this whole thing, and I know she will think it's hysterical too. Because we are strange people.

11 more rehearsals before opening night. Three weekends to finish set build. This is all a bit terrifying, honestly.

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Mon, 28 Aug 2017 15:25:12 GMT

Holy crap, I wrote fic! And posted it! This is the first fic that I have posted since... November of 2015. (Everything else posted in the interim has been mostly-written by other people with my creative input, or updates to old fics.)

It's a Power Rangers in Space fic.

Title: In Dreamy Shadows Rise
Summary: Some memories are stronger than others, and strength means different things to different people. Karone, Andros, and a long overdue reunion.
Tags: Family, Family Reunions, Redemption, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff

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Fri, 04 Aug 2017 13:51:51 GMT

I'm so angry. This issue from Tuesday should be done and put away, the aircraft is back in service, life goes on. But no. The Asshole is continuing to be an unrepentant bully, and I am having to deal with the fallout. I know I and my team did everything we could, as quickly as we could. So I really don't appreciate when the Asshole tries to claim that we failed at adequately supporting the customer and implies that we are lazy.

I'm angry because he's complaining to my upper management and I have to justify myself to them. I'm angry that we were caught with our pants down, because his company failed to communicate with anyone else in a timely manner. I'm angry that he made unrealistic demands that would have put the aircraft at risk and refused to listen to the fact that this damage was well outside of any normal expected damage, so no, it has not been previously analyzed.

I'm angry because this man should not have been involved in this issue at all. He's upper management. He should not have found out about this incident hours before the technical teams did. He should not have even needed to know about it unless something extremely unusual happened. I'm angry because I found out about the issue from my own upper management coming and asking about the status, which makes me look like shit because I didn't know and didn't have things rolling already.

I'm angry because my team jumped straight into action and respond in an extremely timely manner, and the Asshole is trying to claim otherwise. I'm angry that he refused to accept our analyses without even consulting the customer. I'm angry on behalf of my people, and I refuse to let him bully them.

I'm angry because he ignored everything I had to say during our meetings on Tuesday, even though I am the technical expert and main point of contact for my company. I'm angry that I had to sit there asking myself if I was being ignored simply because he's that much of an Asshole, or if he was ignoring me because I'm a woman (I'm pretty sure it's the former, but.) I'm angry that he's treating us like lazy children.

I'm angry. And I want to be done with this issue, because the aircraft is safely back in service, and that's all that really matters. Unfortunately, I doubt today will be the last I hear of this.

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Tue, 01 Aug 2017 22:21:30 GMT

Don't mind me while I burst into tears; one part frustration, one part relief.

Frustration: I could stab someone in the face right now work-wise. One person in particular. An exec with one of my customers, who has been Obnoxious many other times, and is refusing to understand that this particular bit of damage is significantly larger than any of the analyzed limits, so no really, we can't just give you permission to keep flying, even if it's a short flight. Add to this not finding out until significantly after the incident happened, and poor communication all around... yeah.

Relief: Even with the one homework assignment I didn't manage to hand in, I ended class number two with an 89. I'm glad I reached out to the professor over the weekend about having fallen behind, because he didn't take any significant amount of points off for the three late assignments I handed in (including the semester paper).

So. Two classes done. Statistics starts next week.

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Fri, 21 Jul 2017 02:14:41 GMT

I'm really frustrated and annoyed right now, and kind of wanting to smack myself, because it's such a ridiculous First World Issue, I can't even.

So I'm in our fall production of The Importance of Being Earnest. I'm really excited about this. This is the biggest role I've ever had (and it's one of the smaller roles in the show, but I'm fine with that). I've been fighting with my anxiety about it ("the director only picked you because she pitied you!") and just... being glad that this trip to Alabama was going to be the last work trip for the foreseeable future, that I'd arranged my trip to Ireland to start after the show closed, all these things. The show goes up the last weekend in September, runs three weekends, and I leave for Ireland the day of set strike. Awesome!

And then I find out this morning that we're having our big customer conference in September. Not during tech week, but two weeks before, which is still pretty critical. And then my boss says oh no, the date's changed to the week after that (so the week before tech week). And I still don't know whether attendance is mandatory, because if it is... I'm not sure it's a good idea to miss rehearsals that close to the show opening. Which means having to make a decision sooner rather than later so the director can replace me.

I want to be in the show. Not that I don't want to go to the conference (especially since it's going to be in either Athens or Barcelona....) But I'm so... tired and frustrated right now. All of my travel dates for work have been ridiculous moving targets since I got home from Latvia. Like, the San Diego trip was meant to be in February. The Georgia trip got pushed off and then extended. This trip to Alabama got put off (hurray that I get to go home two days earlier than planned?)

I know it's part of the job I'm in. I've known that since I interviewed for the job. It was also one of the major drawbacks to the position. And it's not that I don't like to travel; I do, and I don't usually mind. But it's frustrating when I can't make any plans because my travel dates aren't solidified until two days before the trip. I made a commitment to the show, and now I may be forced to back out of it. And I hate having to break commitments, I hate what it does to my anxiety.

So until I can get home and talk to my boss on Monday (hopefully, if he's around...) and figure things out, I'm stuck in the limbo of not knowing whether I'll have to back out of the show or if we can somehow make it work. Everything is just so fucked up and now I'm just going to sit here crying like I haven't let myself do all day.

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Sun, 16 Jul 2017 00:43:29 GMT

I'm feeling very... not real at the moment. I have no idea how to explain it.

Alabama this week. Lake after that, then it's almost time for the beach.

It feels like the summer is almost over already, though it's barely started.

Rehearsals going into full swing. Second class almost done. Statistics next. Blech.

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Thu, 06 Jul 2017 13:23:04 GMT

*sticks head up for air*

Um. Hi. I have been very busy.

I spent the last two weeks of June in Georgia. It was very busy, and very stressful. Like, 9+ hour days reviewing and revising procedures, and then going back to the hotel and doing homework and regular work. I think I went through about 25 procedures in the span of about 10 days. It was... not fun.

But I am home now, for the moment. Until next week when I head to Alabama. That, at least, should be a shorter trip. And it should also be the last bit of travel for a while. It's certainly the last bit of work travel I have planned, in the sense of "I know this trip is going to happen I just don't know when yet". AKA, I don't actually know when next week I'll be going. Hah! I should have a better idea today or tomorrow though.

I am tired of school. So very tired. I also need to make a mental note not to take another class with this professor. He offers about zero feedback on things, so like, I have no idea what I need to do to improve my scores from low to mid 90s to high 90s? I mean, it's not a huge deal, but if it's a formatting thing or something, can't he just tell me that? I also have one more assignment to finish to be caught up again--which is to say, once I finish that assignment, I have the rest of the assignments for this week's module to do.

Yeah. So done.

We started rehearsals last night. I'm... well. I think Angela and I may clash. We'll have to see how things progress, last night was just a read through, but... I don't know. We'll see. We've got our first production meeting on Saturday, so hopefully we'll have a good idea about what the set will look like. And I got someone for lights and sound already! So that's a nice change.

Of course, rehearsals are also scheduled on Mondays and Wednesdays, which are the two days I had hoped to have at least one off from, to attend barre class. Oh, and occasional Saturday rehearsals--also at the same time as barre. So pretty much if I want to go to barre, I'll have to go to class with the teacher who is super intense, which I am not ready for yet. Sigh.

Anyway. I suppose I should go do something vaguely productive now...

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Wed, 07 Jun 2017 17:42:53 GMT

I am so done with my second class. Ugh. Way too much work. I've been pretty good at spreading it out, which on the one hand makes it feel less daunting, but on the other hand makes it feel never-ending. Like, I spent some time earlier finding articles and references for the long assignment for this week. Last night I did the media review. I need to get ahead on the module write ups again. And I did the discussion submission yesterday too. So long assignment and submitting my research statement are still due this week.

And then next week we start from scratch. Another discussion, another media review, another long assignment, another module write up. And the week after that, and the week after that. While also working on the big project too.

I leave for Georgia on Sunday, for a week and a half. Do not want. Alabama will be not long after. Blech.

Next class after this one is stats. That's going to be hell. And then Research Methods. So four classes this year, five classes next year, and then one class and a capstone after that. So in theory, I should be done by May of 2019. That just... sounds utterly fucking exhausting.

It's just... a lot of cognitive load, on top of work. The first class wasn't so bad, but this one is... yeah. Just the process of searching for references and deciding whether they're relevant or not takes a lot of brain power. And then I still have to write up whatever needs writing. And I don't know if it's ironic or just schadenfreude that this week's topic is on stress and fatigue management.

Blah. Have to head over to the training center later to meet up with one of the guys from Canada. He has markups on a procedure we need to go over. And then barre class tonight. Which oh, of course, I forgot to throw my water bottle into my car and I probably won't get home before that. Good thing I have an extra water bottle here at the office.

Anyway. Back to the slog.

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Tue, 30 May 2017 14:59:30 GMT

I have reached a point in my life where, when I tell people I am going to Georgia soon, they ask whether I mean the country or the state.

Because yeah, both could be an option. But no, this time it's the state. Probably next week, which is only slightly annoying as I have several appointments next week that would then need to be rescheduled. Like my massage. Boo.

Started doing readings for Human Factors. This one in particular is... dense and boring. And repetitive. Like, how many different ways can I actually rephrase the same sentence without changing its meaning?

Oh, theater monthly meeting tomorrow. I was going to try going to the earlier barre class, but then I realized it was with Kelly, who is apparently really intense. Like, to the level that I'm probably not ready for yet. So maybe a pass this week or I'll try and go Saturday morning to one of Diana's classes.

I got lots of laundry done over the weekend. And most of it hung up. I had to buy more hangers. I still have maybe two small loads left to do? Lots left to put away though. But now at least I have clean clothes for a trip to Georgia. I'd rather not have to bring my big bag, but I think I may be there for two weeks, give or take, so I'll probably need to. Sarah will be happy though, it means I'll have room to bring beer back for her.

Still waiting to hear back about auditions. We're struggling to get men for the lead roles, so I think Angela is holding off on making a decision about female casting until she knows who they'll be playing against. I think I auditioned really well--better for Gwendolyn than Ms Prism, actually, but that's my biased opinion. I hate the waiting though. I wish Angela would just tell me if I didn't get a part, that way I can stop worrying and waiting. If I know it's tentative based on male casting, that's at least a better position to be in for waiting. Sigh.

I'm having a very hungry sort of day. I've already had a bowl of cereal with blueberries, an apple, and a cup of coffee with protein powder in it. Which apparently only totals to about 300 calories, but hey. It's been spread out, I'd think that I wouldn't be feeling quite so hungry right now. Blah. I am trying to get back to the protein shake thing. I know I'm lacking protein in my diet for the most part. I've been better about fruits and vegetables lately.

I need to hard boil a bunch of eggs. I got pitas and some avocado and hummus, I can make tasty breakfast pockets. I forgot to get spinach, that would have been a nice addition. But the hard part is getting myself to boil the eggs. Sad sounding, I know.

I should call about the sleep study, see if I can pick up the kit this week and be done with it. Okay, that's done with. Of course, it means having to drive in to Hartford at some point Thursday morning before 10 AM, but hey. Get it done with. Now at some point I should call and see about moving my massage to this week. Or just later in the month. Le sigh. And fillings. Because I will probably be there for two weeks. At least. Blech.

Adulting sucks.

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